


Alone (But I'll Take This Instead)

by afraidtocare



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Character Study, Niall-centric, POV Niall Horan, Past Harry Styles/Louis Tomlinson, Past Zayn Malik/Liam Payne, and its also my farewell to them in a good way, this is a bit depressing im sorry
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-01-18
Updated: 2018-01-18
Packaged: 2019-03-06 12:58:13
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,346
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13411740
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/afraidtocare/pseuds/afraidtocare
Summary: Niall thinks about different kinds of love and some limited "forevers".





	Alone (But I'll Take This Instead)

When it comes to love, Niall is pretty sure he had seen it all. At least when it came to the romantic side of love.

He had already watched everything, from the wonders of love to how it could break your soul into tiny pieces. From the fulfillment it gives yourself, to how it inevitably ends up leaving you empty. He had experienced every stages from other people's love, so it feels like he had already been through everything this feeling could offer him. 

What good could it be to live something so deep just to 2, 3, 4 years later you have to see everything fall apart? Sometimes not even that much time; it is a volatile feeling, after all. It could shatter at anytime, you don’t have any control over it. So what’s really the use?

First of all, his parents got divorced when he was just a child. And even then, as young and naïve as he was, he knew they took the best decision of their lifes. They had spent years and years trying to make up just for the sake of their children, failing to realize that  _ not _ breaking up was only making things worse for everyone. Niall grew up observing fights after fights of the couple that supposedly should inspire him to believe in love. And the first positive inspiration regarding this sentiment they ever gave him was when they chose to go separate ways. So it’s not hard to see where he’s coming from and why he has this negative mentality. But he’s fine living like this. He has tried, many many many times, to see the best side of romantic relationships, but not once they proved him wrong. He’s completely satisfied being on his own.

He had even watched Liam and Zayn's.... When they were... Well.. something? Yes. He saw it all. He knew everything. And he also saw how awkward they were after it ended, even if they played it like a joke, even if they pretended it didn't matter. Its hardships were still there and the strong friendship they had before it happened couldn’t be repaired. They couldn't handle what they felt and neither could they handle the inevitable ending. No good could come out of "love" if even when it is miraculously reciprocated things still can't work out.

Niall still remembers how Liam and Zayn were at the beginning. It was all fun and games. Just a casual fling, no strings attached, to enjoy their youth while they were lonely on the road. Everything was nothing but a joke, they just wanted to explore and taste and to understand how Louis and Harry could work so well, how could they enjoy being together even under the spotlight, even within the same band. Until it all dramatically fell apart. 

But there could still be some hope, Niall was sure of that. His eyes watched that hope getting stronger every single day. It was there, inside the loving glances his other bandmates exchanged. It was there, in every subtle, comforting touches they enjoyed, hidden from the public eye. It was there, in the shining eyes of a new, teenage love. It was there, represented by a  _ strong _ ,  _ happily _ , young love. It was also there, in the commitment of an adult relationship, in having lived together for years and years, of expressing themselves in every single nautical reference they could think of. It was there, since the start. From their  _ Oops _ until their  _ Hi.  _

Niall was hopeful. Niall believed in them, Niall thought they could be  _ it _ , he believed Louis and Harry could be the answer he was looking for. Because he saw, he saw everything. He was inspired. He felt their love in every “sweetcheeks”, in every couple tattoo. How could it not be true love if they used their own limited skin to express it? Anchor, rope. Rose, dagger.  _ Always in my heart. _ Always. Talks of marriage. Fucking plans of raising children together, he heard them. It was there, in all the songs they wrote. It was there, even in the hardships of being hidden. It was there, in all the rainbows and in their subtle ways of expressing themselves.

But.. it wasn’t there in all the screams and fights. It wasn’t there, when he left. It wasn’t there when he wanted something bigger that the other couldn’t provide. It wasn’t there when only their love just simply wasn’t enough. That feeling used to be there, Niall would never deny that, but it wasn’t anymore. _It is what it is,_ like Louis had told him. And an eagle always seeks its freedom, Niall guesses.

Although.. There is still one kind of love, from Niall’s experience. A kind of love that he might admit that he never payed that much of attention, never gave much of a thought, until it was gone. Or, at least, partially gone. Because he can still feel it, it is still there. But Niall only realised how strong of a love and how much he valued it when it wasn’t the same as before. And that is the kind of love his fans gives him, all their support and praise. The love a fan, you, feel for your idol. 

It’s such a beautiful kind of love. And a pure one, too. Very selfless, altruistic. Because when you love someone inatingible, you don’t really expect nothing in return, at least nothing substancial. You aspire their influence, you aspire the positivity the person.. or thing.. you admire provides. This kind of love is precious. But volatile, like all the others. 

The feeling is real while it lasts but, for many fans, their “forever” is limited. It’s nothing but a short space of time, until they find someone better to  _ stan _ . Until they find better bands, or groups, from other countries and brighter and more colourful hair. When they find songs that fit them better. Or books, or games, or sports, or artists. 

There’s nothing, absolutely nothing, wrong with changing your tastes, Niall knows this more than anyone. How could Niall judge the fans that left him and his late band when he himself has done it multiple times? It’s natural. He likes an athlete, he’s devoted to them, and then his attention sways away and someone different catches his eye. He is passionate about a certain model of a guitar, buys it and plays it until it is not a novelty anymore and then buys a shiny new one. It’s kind of a cycle, actually. And that doesn’t mean he simply  _ discards _ the things he liked best in the past, of course not, the things you love and have loved will forever stay within you. What happens is that time naturally passes and, many times, what you have once loved the most then becomes nostalgia. 

Not to mention that self care is essencial, and he is sure that many of his fans got tired of waiting for something that the band would never give them. He will never judge anyone that chooses to leave a toxic space. 

But where does it leave him? Where does he stand in this new life? 

Obviously he still has countless fans, he receives love and support every minute. And he couldn’t be more grateful for that. Most of the fans that used to tell “forever” for the band still listens to his music. Maybe they don’t leave as frequent messages than before, but he can still feel the sparks, that devotion of before. Just on a smaller way. 

Niall has seen many, if not all, kinds of love. And Niall has gotten disappointed by all of them. They all leave and love fades. Love changes. Romantic love is a trap. But friends remain. Friendship may not always be forever, but Niall couldn’t be happier having just what he has right now. His family, his friends, his fans. Expressed in weird and complicated kinds of love, but love nonetheless. They say he’s alone, but he’s not lonely. And he’ll take this instead.

 

_ Love changes, but love also renews itself.  _

 

**Author's Note:**

> I started writing this after I went to one of the Flicker Sessions in October 2017. It's kinda of my goodbye letter to One Direction, I might admit. The first and probably last fic I'll post on their tag after so many years in the fandom. I have many emotions and I still do love them but I'm not as invested as before and I'm extra and sentimental so of course I had to turn my feelings into fiction haha
> 
> And Niall is amazing and deserves more fics centered around him, don't you think? <3
> 
> Thank you so much for reading this! ~~


End file.
